Established 1988

Frequently asked questions

Bereavement & Grief

By all means send in your questions for this section

Your service seems less complex than others, why ?

Approachability. My service is professional but deliberately user-friendly. It seems to me that the people who visit here are usually having a complicated time already so it's incorrect to make the process of getting some help complicated too.

How do I begin ?

Beginning is the hardest part. Most people begin with an email because it's the easiest way to communicate background information. Make it as long as you like, telling your story in your own way.  Don't worry if it seems like you're rambling because telling your story "just as it pops into your head" is actually the most useful of all. Don't worry about spell-checking or anything like that. Even in the writing people often begin to get a benefit. Send your letter, pay the fee and in 3 working days you'll get a detailed reply from me.  You have then begun. Some people pay the fee first as this gives them the "push" they need to begin the writing, but that's your choice. If you prefer to talk live just drop me an email with a few times when you are available and let me pick one. 

Do people get benefit from online counselling ?

It would seem so yes. I do get positive feedback almost every day. I don't know of any research studies but in my experience (I have the meaningless distinction of being the longest surviving UK online counselling service) it's use has increased year on year even though the numbers of online counsellors has also increased.  That has to say something like "all those people can't be wrong ? "  By tradition the hardest task masters in this profession are the organisations who fund their own people for counselling, like GP's, the public services and employers, yet their acceptance of online work has grown at the same rate.

How many counselling sessions will I need ?

It should be kept to the minimum needed,  however I'm not your boss I'm your servant and I have rarely found in necessary to prescribe a number of sessions for anyone when working online. I firmly believe that you will know and feel that yourself. Clearly some things take longer than others, a single tricky decision may be made quite quickly whereas being around for someone during a divorce or separation (for instance) could mean contact for some time.  I never insist on a timetable, like a weekly session or something. Like any paid professional, a counsellor is disposable and should be made redundant as soon as their usefulness has passed.

Will I get dependent on you ?

Because the nature of online counselling lends itself to customer choice, customer power if you like, mostly people dip in and out as they feel like it and dependence on me is very rare.  As a matter of course I am aware of the nature of the relationships that exist between me and my customers and constantly monitor and work with those dynamics. If you don't talk about feelings of dependence, I will, If I suspect it's a problem.  Keeping someone in counselling for longer than is needed is unethical and often the whole idea is to make me redundant as soon as possible.

What is the case FOR online counselling ?

There are lots of reasons in it's favour, such as for ex-pats or people in remote areas who have no access to a professional counsellor, people who find it difficult or even impossible to leave their homes due to disability, illness, phobia or even lack of childcare. Deaf people can for the first time have access to a counsellor who cannot sign. People lead busy lives, and working this way means no travelling time or expense, and in the case of e-mail work, no need to even make an appointment, let alone be there in person. Anonymity is both preserved and enhanced. There is no possibility of being physically abused or attacked, for either party. Because you can record large chunks of online meetings on your own computer, you can re-visit each session time after time and get more from it, like re-reading a good book.

Even people who come along in person can have further means of making contact between sessions or to get something prepared or the next session or simply get something off their chest. Again, because people can communicate just when they want to without an appointment, things can be said whilst the ideas are fresh in the mind. Documents can be sent, worked on and exchanged and shared simultaneously, even drawings and diagrams on a whiteboard can be exchanged.

The first approach that people make for therapeutic help is often fraught with anxiety about the meeting itself, as well as the reasons for the meeting. Although these anxieties are common among those who physically attend, there are still likely to be those who never attend at all, and the counselling profession has a duty to make it's services as available and easy to access as possible.

It is useful to understand that there is a hierarchy of difficulty within different means of communication, especially when it comes to emotional subjects. Counsellors have a duty to assist communication and the internet offers the least threatening route of emotional communication of all, short of putting an unsigned message in a bottle. The hierarchy of difficulty is easiest by letter, fax or e-mail, then live-type chat, online audio or traditional telephone call, video-conference and then face to face meeting. The level of each meeting can be determined by the customer rather than the counsellor.

I think an early intervention is better than a late one and in face to face work people often leave things very late, but the internet lends itself to early, and this way of taking the stress out of the whole thing is a good idea. Sharing a problem with anyone in any medium helps, but couple this with therapeutic skills and it can help even more.

What are the limitations of online counselling ?

Though much of the case for online therapy could be described as the limitations of face to face work, it is still true to say that online work has it's limitations for some things.

Therapy is a lot about communication and although most people think they communicate the most in language, that is in fact not true. Most human communication takes place through sight, sound, touch, and to some degree taste and smell. Much of this is denied to people online. Human communication can be so subtle and detailed that it is transmitted and received unconsciously through inflection and other voice characteristics and complex body language. A screen cannot make up for this loss.

As the hierarchy of difficulty (described above) is climbed, communication increases in effectiveness. In this light it would be less than ideal to put a computer in front of a person who (for example) had just experienced a major trauma or was contemplating suicide, but again, better a computer than nothing.

A computer cannot shake your hand and a tear might not be seen and the subtle gestures that differentiate a joke from something serious may be lost in typed communication.

There are lots of benefits, but for some people in some situations, electronic communication may not be the first choice or the best choice, but it does offer a choice, and a choice is better than no choice, 'cos having no choice is another way of saying problem.

It may be that for some, electronic work is only a stepping stone to something more appropriate, but many will get by with it really well. I would be worried about those who kept people engaged in online counselling when they clearly needed face to face work.

ALL mediums of communication have both uses and limitations.

Where can I get FREE online counselling ?

CCC, makes free counselling available (subject to availability) through a scheme using the voluntary time of its members Click here to access. In the UK your GP may well refer you to a counsellor for free. Other than that at this time I know of only 2 CONSISTENTLY AVAILABLE outlets for free online help. www.samaritans.org (if in the UK) and www.befrienders.org (in most other parts of the world). A range of services seem to have tried offering free counselling and found the rush more than they can handle. Others may try in the future but will need to be large organisations in order to cope with demand. Free services can be sometimes found in highly specialised areas, but again, these tend to be large organisations like the major charities.

How far does confidentiality go ?

I will protect your confidentiality so long as I do not suspect you of harming others. I will not break confidentiality if you propose self-harm. A more detailed description can be found by clicking here.

How secure is the internet ?

My understanding is that the leading voluntary helpline in the UK for people who are depressed and suicidal, The Samaritans, installed equipment that could detect infiltration of their e-counselling. I understand the study was lengthy and no attempts to infiltrate were detected.

My understanding is equally, that security forces, the military and police are using military designed equipment that can infiltrate anything. If they can, then probably so can other official departments such as tax, IRS, immigration, customs etc. If that is the case then probably the media, private investigators and crooks have the same technology.

How do I pick the right counsellor for me ?

It can be difficult. I like me ha, but if you don't want to use me you can take some of the difficulty out of the process (in the UK) by contacting CCC who keep a list of counsellors who abide by a code of ethics, have had their qualifications verified and are subject to a complaints procedure. To go there click www.counselling.ltd.uk This goes a long way towards minimising your chances of bumping into an incompetent and is a good place to start but there are still no guarantees that who you get will be "for you". There are no such guarantees anywhere so I suggest you shop around. There are lots of styles and types of people in this field.

When you shop around, try to find someone who "feels right" for you, because it's often the quality of relationship that matters the most, and the therapists skill and attitude, rather than the letters behind the name. Remember you are the customer so pick and choose. Assess them. Check their eyes for dollar signs. Be suspicious of those that promise miraculous cures or seem overconfident (a bad sign in a counsellor). Ask them about their experience and methods. Lookout for pirates. Enjoy online questionnaires but don't expect too much from them, and don't pay too much for a dispassionate service. Good people are out there, but use your intuition.

To see this site optimised for US English click http://www.online-counseling.co.uk